Auditions

So today I finally went in for my audition for the BYU media music program. Sang for 3, very loud minutes, turned in my portfolio, and walked out the door.

Now that my life isn't consumed with preparing for these auditions, I'm sitting alone in my bedroom having been hit with a sudden and crashing wave of insecurity. I look back on the wait time for the audition, sitting on a little folding chair that exposed my blubbering folds of comfort padding from beneath my dress, my precious portfolio in my lap, my heavily make-up'd face and my straightened hair, wondering how the heck I could think I belonged there. Looking around, people just seemed to fit. You know, there's just something inherently cool about most musicians. They just have this aura of laidback-ness and a confident security in their talents, and this natural beauty/captivating glow that beams as a result. I call to attention artists from multiple genres. Amy and Nick of Karmin. Sara Bareilles. Taylor Swift. Ozzy Ozbourne. Even that one guy from KISS who does the tongue thing.

I'm not saying they're not wacky, but they seriously just have the confidence to pull their gimmicks off, whether girl-next-door, or insane bloody tongue guy. Captivating, y'know?

So there I was, sitting, that one girl you know who is probably the absolute farthest thing from cool, sitting like a high-strung nut, just hoping, hoping that someone would see some ounce of worth in me. Just... it's sad. It makes me sad feeling like this and writing this. I just hate it, I hate this feeling of feeling alone and highly strung and consistently stressed.

I don't know what I want, but I took the first step towards going after my dream today, right? That's a start.

The Pleasures of a Sick Day

• Chillin' in my 'jammies.
• Reading Madame Bovary curled up under a heater blanket while the rain pours outside my apartment.
• One glorious mid-afternoon nap. 
• One grilled cheese with the best tomato soup on the planet. 
• Flipping through the February issue of Vogue that had been purchased merely for the sake that Taylor Swift was on the cover.
• Putting the new song "Ain't Ready To Die" on the Facebook page. 
• Concocting an orange-banana smoothie that I sip as I write about today. It's absolutely divine.

Remember the Name

So last night I come home from the gym to find Brandon and David sitting in our living room ready to play some Halo with Kristen and Meagan. Shelby and I sat at the sidelines, enjoying how oblivious they were to the rest of the world as we rambled on about the most random things. My only claim to the game playing last night was that I mustered out a kill for Meagan when she briefly handed me the controllers. After that though, it was those four versus each other.

Or more like Kristen vs. the boys. That girl is talented.

So Shelby and I were at a loss of what to do... Did I ever mention that I like to pretend that I can rap?

Some Snippets About Me

• 19 years old. College sophomore. Hopeful music major (I audition this month). 
• A fan of all things blue, but when it comes to eyes, my favorite color is brown. 
• I like to run, but not in the wintertime. I ran my first marathon last October! :)
• My sister is and always will be my best friend. We do super cool things like play WoW together and do each other's makeup.
• I write a ton of songs.
• And...I have this thing where I always want to do my best, but I never want to be my best self until it's my time to go through the pearly gates. Because if I'm my best now, I'll have nothing to work on! Sounds kind of dull.

And...this is my life. :)